fake dying on the slide. 'i hate you bye.' 'noooooo!!!!' (down the slide...)

hope is lost, do not name friends.

I saw blood spray across a pick guard last night

jaw breakers: the new hope!

i see myself in the window reflection walking confidently like a cowboy.

"You telling these miserable, Hell-bound, bath house-wallowing, anal-copulating fags that God loves them!? You have bats in the belfry!" Fred Phelps (is fucking hilarious)

that's like bleaching your asshole twice a month, or fake tanning

sun, burn me up please

emily and I just covered an entire fnews magazine with red upside down crucifixes on each forehead.

andre to evan (twin 1 to twin 2): you aren't invited to my birthday party.

my mind is filled with cowboys indians and mutherfucking dragons bitches run in fear or be stampeded by sweet smiling revenge you sick deprivations of soul sucking glory

people have the ability to walk like a confident cowboy convincingly and in fact be filled with failure. it is perfect and awful
I am not exactly saying that person is me, but it might.






home planet: nevada city, sounds like the smashing pumpkins, smells like hippie and cheap perfume, magic. there's a lot of magic. calvin is a big part of it. court house. our play house to, calvin's pool, batman, big box of clothes, magic filled, different universes available in its clothing, getting punched in the stomach and falling into it getting stuck for a long time alone with the lights off, someone stealing my favorite fucking purple crystal from my mom saying i was lying on the big slide, they were older bullies, midge not believing me. death. people who helped me and my dad. that one mean girls parents, calvin's mom. my dad working for the city doing construction. the bridge he made with my name on it. that being my one claim to fame for a day. it made me cool. i was respected. i ran behind it into the woods along the river without permission. didn't get in trouble.
always winning the drawing contests at the pizza parlor on the first street and getting free pizza with mom. the kite store. the magic shop. the CANDY SHOP. late night sushi and bar hopping. hot summer nights and the christmas lights all over the town and the streets being shut off with all the people and the wizard who could throw fire in the air, the fairy store with all the big fake tall trees going up and building the ceiling, the herb shop's basement and eating organic pizza and playing with play-dough and my little pony with zoe in it. zoe's mom giving us free fruit leather.
zoe and cristy belly dancing and playing violin outside the store for money and getting in the paper. me being sad because they didn't invite me.
swimming in the pool around in circles with calvin to make a tornado. how the water was warm. wanting to cut it open.
calvin's bigger pool and garden, and weird al on his radio and trying not to slip on the wet wood while jumping.
madeline on rainy days. peppito was the shit. them not letting me play the addam's family for everyone because it was to scary. lame. playing witches and old lady mom in the tv room. that one weird hole in the wall we could sit in and climb up with our legs and our backs.
i fucking hate nap time. the mats were so cold. bastards.
time out. all the time.
the cult of cats zoe and cristy and other people i don't remember and me started with the facepaint, upside down cross exes on our foreheads and whiskers with noses, and torches to carry made of paper. the next day we asked for the same makeup and they wouldn't do it the same, we got angry and stole the paint and did it ourselves. they didn't say anything. ha.
crab apple tree. stairs to no where.
CAT TAILS across the fence! the fuzz! and the fake gas station and the bikes and the wet chalk drawing with that one hippie lady who babysat me with the moon's in her house and her boyfriend, the licorice plant that tasted like shit that everyone seemed to like a whole lot.

laying in the hammock at the back of the play thing in the shade on the hill, all the boys around me on the first wooden platform, and calvin telling his penguin joke saying 'DON'T TELL THEM MERCEDES' and me being like 'ok i won't!' and he tells them the joke and they don't get it and say something and i think calvin had just told them and I say it again and start laughing and he hadn't. he didn't speak to me for two days. I felt so bad.
playing hercules and meg with him.
that mysterious house on the hill behind the fence. it was beautiful and glorious. I want it to be my home.
kissy boys. we'll eat you alive.

fake dying on the slide. 'i hate you bye.' 'noooooo!!!!'(down the slide...)




ee, that face I just made? thatwasa no bueno face.

the twins don't like it when I fart in their presence. I do.